Sunday, August 06, 2006

ah.. so many ppl been asking me why i feel despondent.. haha.. seriously rite, i was reading a book and this word juz came to my mind.. then went to check out its meaning, not that i do nt know the meaning, but just wanna be sure of it.. haha.. it's sth like feeling hopeless, helpless la.. den somehow like quite related to how i was feeling at that time, den i juz put it in my nick...

yup, lately been feeling quite helpless.. esp after my injury, sorta realised so many things aren't within our ctrl, dat everything in life is so unpredictable.. dat's exactly why we're still living rite? for its unpredictabilty, for its ever-changing surprises.. be it good or bad, wadeva happen sometimes never seem to keep me and my attitude in check.. everything that happens always serve as a notice to me, dat i'm nt really in total ctrl of my life, that there are so many factors abound for every choice u make, and those factors are nt necessary something u can anticipate..

yes i admit, im a coward.. im forever a coward, be it taking wadeva risks.. if i'm nt a coward, i wouldn't have taken 2 yrs to make my decision, i wouldnt have nt the courage to do wadeva i wanted to do, i would have already planned my future ahead, wad i wanan do and where my interest lies.. im a coward, for i do nt wanna take a path only to regret it later.. im a coward cos im afraid my future is gonna be a mess, by choosing sth i do nt have interest in.. im a coward bcos im scared to lose, and i do not wan to lose.. im a coward cos alot of times i do nt dare to face up to reality, dat many things need me to stand upright and face the music.. yes, im indeed a coward..

i am helpless.. but i know i can make things work in my favour.. i am still myself, albeit more matured and more grown up.. this i know.. its time for u to too.. life is nt abt other ppl seriously.. when ppl say life is more than juz urself, dun listen to their shiet.. yesh, we shud nt be self-centred, but at times, wad for u look beyond urself when u urself is a mess?? it's time ppl like me sort out myself first, before u put other ppl as ur top priority! as they say, how can u expect ppl to love u, when u urself do nt love urself? hw to i ask U?? SIGH.. Lionel! do u even love urself?? 20 yrs already! is this all u've to show to urself? is this wad u wan? do u tink u r a hero jux cos u think for others more than u do to urself? no way! sort urself out! get a grip! farkin shit hell do nt always give excuses for urself to escape reality! sigh...

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 9:16 AM

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