Monday, December 25, 2006

ah.... mike is pronounced as mee-ker is german... and it's a common name, meaning michelle in our language... so kool!!!! haaa...

Merry Xmas everyone!!! to the guys of 16/03, finally we got to meet up.. tho lotsa pangseh kias as usual... haaa!!! who cares... First time i'm experiencing a different Xmas as i had for the past two years... Kinda feeling strange... A book in my hand, reading it, hoping today pass faster... that's so unlike last time, when i was sad at the end of Xmas... Today i juz cant wait for the minutes and hrs to pass by.. depressing man...

I vow not to be suspicious of the ppl around me anymore... strangers i mean... i see someone.. i will question their intentions at times.. maybe they are juz being frenly.. not trying get sth out of u u see... today onwards, i shall try my best to maintain eye contact and smile at strangers... haaa... especially gers! haaaa... i can nvr do dat man... cmon lionel.. wheres ur balls.. pluck them a=out and put in ur mth man.. speak up! haaa...

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 1:50 PM

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

i found myself a hundred reasons to love you...

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 10:17 AM

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Monday, December 18, 2006

Lionel Now = 100% Teddy Bear + 0% Hunk


Start of the wk again... sianz man... well at least this wk will be a 4 day week.. haaa!!! gonna take leave this coming thursday.. whew.. a break man... i sure need one.. Long hair, short hair... Long hair, short hair... should i go cut them? ahaahahah... remember last time whenever im stressed i'll go cut my hair until damn short... maybe its time i do it again... get rid of all things that bothers me... hopefully they'll be gone with the hair...

Sometimes i wonder if what i feel is indeed love.. do i really love you? should i make it known? im far from ur ideal man... but i am who i am... what exactly is an ideal man? Checklist below:

Height is 1.8m = no
Six pecs = no
Humourous = subjective
Rich = no
Nice = Sometimes
Character = no
Romantic = no
Teddy Bear = YES

Quote: Fear of rejection and failures means you'll never know success

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 8:35 AM

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Sunday, December 17, 2006

well, looks like more or less i've recovered.. Time to get back to work and get myself sick again.. Haha.. Its neverending.. not until the day i can stop stuffing work in my face... Cant seem to be able to give myself free time.. i muz not..

Equation:
Busy Lionel = Work + Sports + Spending time with Frens and Family = Less foolish thinkings

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 4:22 PM

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This was the song i was referring to, walk away by Paula Deanda.. Damn nice.. Keeps playing it that now its stuck in myhead.. haaaa..
Anyway, Thank you Santa, or God, u make my wish come true.. I know i had not been good this yr.. Im still finding myself.. But i swear, this coming year and the rest of my life, there will be a new Lionel... A Lionel that's more devoted than before, to his love and passion.. A Lionel that's caring to his frens and family.. A Lionel that knows what he wants in life, and A Lionel that works towards what he wants in life.. A Lionel that isn't afraid to fail, A Lionel which is more patient than before.. A Lionel who will share when he can share, even if he's down to his last cent, i will break the cent then give the other half... A Lionel who will not always walk with his head down, but with confidence... A Lionel who will not be brought down easily anymore but strong enough to withstand all tackles in this life... And a Lionel who believes that there will be someone out there who cares for him as much as he cares for her.... And a Lionel who isnt afraid to love, and to give his all once more...

Great love comes with great risk... Only when u've given ur all then will u see if that person is willing to give his all for u too.. If he/she is, den u two are meant for each other.. If not, dry up ur tears and go find someone who will give his/her all as u give urs... Love is not about giving or taking, it's about exchanging... But most imptly, love urself first, cos if u dun, u can nvr expect others to love you.. Remember me...

"Walk Away"

I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me
I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me

You gonna remember me boo
I'm gonna remember you too
I can't forget all the crazy shhh.. we used to do
You was doing to much
I wasn't doing enough
That's what your friends are saying
You got a man anyway
I can't explain it neither
I ain't never wanna leave ya
Hell ya its hard to walk away when I see ya
When I see ya I remember the day
You put your shoes on and moved on
Before I could say

I saw you with your new girl just yesterday
And I feel that I must confess
Even though it kills me to have to say
I'll admit that I was impressed
Physically just short of perfection
Gotta commend you on your selection
Though I know I shouldn't be concerned
In the back of my mind
I can't help but question
Does she rub your feet
When you've had a long day
Scratch your scalp
When you take out your braids
Does she know that you like too
Play PS2 till 6 in the morning
Like I do

I can't explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away
(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)
Walk Away, Walk Away
(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)

I can't forget how we used to be
Our life from day to day
Hoping maybe you'll come back
And though I tell myself not to be afraid
To move on but it seems I can't
Though a new man has given me attention
It ain't the same as your affection
Though I know I should be content
In the back of my mind
I can't help but question
Does he kiss me on the forehead
Before we play
Show up on my doorstep
(with a bouquet)
Does he call me in the middle of the day
Just to say hey baby I love you
Like you used to

I can't explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away
(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)
Walk Away, Walk Away
(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)

I'm Gonna Remember You
Your Gonna Remember Me
The things we did
The way we shared our fantasies
Just you and me
My friend, my love, my family
How did we loose a love that seemed meant to be
Sometimes I kiss her and wish that it was you I'm kissing
Sometimes I miss him and wish that it was you I'm missing
Sometimes I hug her and wish that it was you I was hugging
And I realize how much I'm bugging
I miss you

Walk Away, Walk Away

(I'm Gonna Remember You
Your Gonna Remember Me)

So hard to express this feeling
Cause nobody compares to you
And you know she'll never love you like I do

I can't explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away

(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)

Walk Away, Walk Away

Remember You

(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)

(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 4:11 PM

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Saturday, December 16, 2006

"So Sick"

Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked April 19th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 4:09 PM

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Friday, December 15, 2006

ah... now i know the song i heard..

Paula Deanda - Walk Away

Go have a listen... it's nice... Nothing else beats that song in reflecting my thoughts...

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 8:57 AM

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

haven't exactly been the best of year for me... as the year comes to the end, i feel like this has been one of my worst year in my whole life...

Tasted heartbreak for the first time.. for once i saw how fragile love and frenship actually is... true love isnt all that great, its actually easily breakable.. but maybe that isnt true love after all.. this year also comes with many firsts... including today, this will be the 5th time this yr i'm falling sick.. never once have i fallen sick so many times.. funnily, all 5 times are at the second half of the year... wonder if it's due to me not having slept earlier than 12 ever since 6 mths ago... cant help it.. everytime i lie on my bed, i will not slp...

This year i also learnt how fragile a human body is... was hit in the eye... went blind for the first time in my entire life, and its the first time i finally realise how much i've taken my body for granted.. not giving it its rest all these while thinking im strong enuf to take on anything.. recently been feeling so weak but wad can i do? im still hanging on at work.. mentally i've also been pushed to the limit.. somehow i feel my mind and body has been exhausted beyond its means... i'm somehow trying to push myself to my limits... so dat i can be kept busy... sigh...

christmas wish:
just wished that i can have a xmas dinner with you.. at least if its gonna be the last, it'll be a nice parting.. better than the abrupt way all things end.. funny how things seem to be turned opposite in its roles.... rem how i told you not to contact me and now its the other way round.. 3 mths and still counting.. what a joke i've been to myself.. sick but still working... i dun wanna stay home.. it'll kill me faster than my sickness.. God... even if u want to make a joke out of me, take pity in me... take my body and soul, but leave my heart intact.. there's not much left of it for you to take anyway...

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 8:26 AM

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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Wa.. another sunday come and go.. haaa.. ever since i turn single sundays have been like a routine to me.. today was a total shag-out day man.. all thks to the unrelenting weather of singapore.. tmr is work again!!! shit man.. if nt for the ppl i could've killed myself le.. haaa!

haha.. went for soccer this morning.. and then more soccer and then prata! haaa... stupid gang, all not free to play soccer so went down myself and join the daddy's army.. wahaaa!!! damn shagged!! cos we played 5v4... then i was in the four... haaa.. but nt bad, scored a couple of goal.. well, dint exactly play well cos i think im coming down with sth again.. sigh.. my nose has been giving me problem lately... sucks.. wonder if sth is wrong.. ren hao advised me go see doctor.. maybe i shud.. cant even breathe properly.. sianz..

i ate so much la.. i tink the guy muz be thinking i've starved for daays... haaa!!! one plain prata, one egg and a mutton murtabuk!!! followed by dim sums once kandy came.. haaa!!! and yet im still nt full.. downed it all with teh chino.. whew.. so damn bloddy sweet.. haaa!! dat completes my lunch.. :P

Supposed to go MOS yesterday one.. stupid js tell me got free tix.. haaa! had wanted to go down and drink.. feelin troubled lately.. luckily got js to talk to.. but in the end the queue was so horrendous, all the way to liang court, that we instead went to The Bungy's Bar... nice place! haaa... got two jugs of beer and sit there talk cock and watch man u's match.. man u won adn we're 9 pts clear!!! got this damn cute waitress... too bad.. usual humji me dun dare talk to her.. tho joanne sorta create the chance for me.. haa!! oh well.. who cares.. im not interested.. haaa!! i am GAY!!! :P slept in the cab home and js had to yell at me den i woke up.. feelin the effect of the hangover this morn.. haaa!! oh well.. why am i drinking again.. dun understand.. doesnt even taste good..

Girls come and go but not frens.. are u sure abt this? sigh... haaa... so many things i've done in this life that i regret so much.. have been playing these tots in my head every night i pray.. God wont u gimme a chance? i just wan to show my worth... just want to redeem for the things i've done.. just want to love again.. but i dun have the courage to do it.. dun even dare to msg.. scared of rejection.. heard this in a song.. how can my heart be broken, when it's never whole in the first place... so meaningful..

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 5:37 PM

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Thursday, December 07, 2006

love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 10:14 PM

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Monday, December 04, 2006

My comp is lagging!!!! ~!@#@!#@$#%#$^$%^%$&^&

haaaa... hate it man.. so slow.. stupid comp... anyway life has changed so much ever since that walk i took 2 am in the morning... haaa... sorta told myself to pick myself up, dust away the dirts on me, and carry on thru this life... haaa! this life that's all about struggling ur way thru every test and obstacles in your path, and finally emerging smelling fresh and victorious..

well been lying in the pits for ages... time to get wad i wan, and to work towards wad i wan... finally my tots are all clear, and i can see wad i picture myself to be doing for the next 5 yrs... first yr hall, second yr work and travel and foreign exchange, third yr chiong for honours, and fourth yr working for first class, and fifth yr going silicon valley for internships!!! haa!!! i can predict myself having fun and all... three targets, fit, nice and rich!!! woohooo!!!! time to earn money... the 10k's!!!! 10k of money before going uni, 10 km every other days of jogging, 10 sets of 10 push ups everyday, and 200 sit ups every night... hee!!! gonna revert back to my old self, i swear to god i'll help everyone that needs my help and not overlook their existence... I'll cherish all my frens that come my way, never ignore their presence... and i will love my family forever, even till death i will protect them...

Job sucks... haaa!!! and i mean the job.. not the people in it... haaa... my colleagues are all one hell bunch of farnie guys and gal... haaa!!! there's my boss, jeremy, the 'shen', andy, my 'shifu' osman, 'fat' garfield, damian aka james bond, stephen 'loves priya' and kaylen the model! woah!!! and now comes, anthony the gay, and the two lil kids yan ren and alex.. haaa!!! to think we only started with 5 ppl in the rm only joking ard when i first start! haaaa... now the secret chamber can be renamed as the laughing chamber le!! hee... and the ppl are great... shortie rebecca, and wilfie and minghui and all!!1 haaaa.... great bunch of ppl... still rem the day i had this bloody caller trying to play punk with me, obviously lying to get sth, so i asked him who he spoke to and he told me he spoke to a lady.. totally ridicule him when i told him there's no ladies working here, cos kaylen hasnt started work yet... haaa!!! told andy i wanted take half day to go find him and get him off the phone... haaa!!! farnie man... anyway everyone tot im gay!!! haaa... kaylen believes me when i told her i am gay.. wad a joke... i love girls too much man!!! :P

Anyway, hope u r doing great... haaa.. really hope that someday u will contact me.. i wont ever wanna lose a fren like u in my life u know... i know u gonna read this.. maybe not.. but oh well.. haaa!!! no harm typing a few sentences... glad to see that u've changed so much.. the u last time doesnt seem half as mature as the u now... u've grown up and im glad for you.. contact me when u r ready, for i'm now ready..

Prayer to God:

God i know u're listening here. i do not see ur presence before, but now i do. i pray to you to enlighten me, and to give me the wisdom to see the rights from the wrongs. i pray to you to forgive my sins, to forgive the sins of my friends. i pray that all my frens will do well for their exam, and that those whose health is failing them will have good health for the rest of their life. i pray for my frens to be blessed, to have things going smooothly in their life. whats most impt is that i pray for u to enlighten them like u enlighten me, to let them have the courage to accept that life is not going to be easy and the determination to face the obstacles that comes along. Let them feel your presence, like u let me feel yours. I thank you for being my guidance, to bring me to my senses and back to the path i should take. God bless all those that need you with them.
Amen.

darkfossil high on VoDkA @ 11:26 PM

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